A breakup in a romantic relationship does not leave an individual the same; it leaves an individual with some psychological impact, which can result in untold evil if not managed properly. The signs of a failing relationship are usually very obvious, but they are most often overlooked, sometimes due to emotional involvement and other times due to ignorance. You need to be knowledgeable in order to make informed marital decisions.
WHAT IS JILT?
Jilt is the sudden cancellation of a love relationship or engagement. It is a situation in which one of the parties involved in a romantic relationship abruptly abandons or rejects the professed love for the other, thereby leading to heartbreak.
Jilt is not gender bias. Either male or female can be jilted in a love relationship. Although it is more common in courtship than marriage and both males and females could be adversely affected, most times the adverse effect is more on the females than their male counterparts because they could sometimes be more emotionally involved in a love relationship than the males.
PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT OF JILT
As said earlier, jilt is not gender-biased, and the psychological effect cannot be overemphasized. The following are the likely impacts of jilt:
1. Suicide Attempt: There has been a drastic increase in the rate of suicide in recent times, some of which can be traced to jilt and its impact. Having lost the dream to spend the rest of one’s life with a person, some do not have the capacity to bear the loss, hence they attempt suicide.
2. Depression: Depression is a period of unhappiness or high morale that may last longer than several weeks and may include loss of interest in daily activities and discouragement in visualizing a happy future. Many young people are in and out of depression these days because they feel forsaken and have become “Exs in the history of someone they wish they could be with forever.
3. Murder: This is the act of taking another person’s life. Jilt usually gives room for the victims to abhor themselves and their offenders, and by this, bitterness begins to grow and could result in either serious mental health issues such as neuroticism or psychoticism, among others.
4. Presumption and Suspicion: In a relationship where one or both parties have experienced jilt before, presumption and suspicion may thrive in the new relationship. This is because, consciously or unconsciously, they become faultfinders and look for loopholes in order not to fall for the things they fell for in their previous relationships. Unfortunately, such individuals are further jilted because they continually choke their newfound love with their excesses. The circle continues until they are free and healed from their previous hurt.
5. Breeds divorce mentality: Breaking up is the easy way out of a conflicting courtship, but it opens one up to divorce mentality. More than 40% of issues that break up courtship exist in marriage. Therefore, if a person has not trained his or her mind on how to handle issues in courtship, when married, such a person still remains mediocre at facing and resolving issues as they emerge in marriage.
CAUSE OF JILT
1. Undefined Relationship: Assuming a marital or love relationship is suicidal. In order to prevent heartbreak or jilt in a love relationship, it is imperative that you define every relationship you have with the opposite sex right and promptly from the outset.
Factors expedient to involvement in a marital relationship:
- A clear marital proposal
- A coherent acceptance of the marital proposal
In addition, notifying your significant others (e.g., parents, mentors, parents, etc.) is highly imperative.
2. Immaturity: Maturity is not relative to age; it is a function of the mind, and it is dependent on how well trained a mind is in handling people and issues in relationships. Immaturity in a love relationship is reflected in the following ways:
- Lack of depth and understanding about one’s own emotions
- Inability to communicate and process things related to relationships
- Lack of empathy and the ability to understand your partner’s emotional experience per- time. Disagreement is unavoidable when there is no understanding, and it can lead to a loss of respect and, eventually, a breakup.
3. Secrecy: Secrecy is a potential killer of a relationship; it is an active state of holding back vital information from the other party. Individuals keep secrets for the following reasons:
- Fear of how the other party might handle the truth
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
It is important to note that;
- Any home built on deceit will always fall.
- Your past record, realities, background experience, and future aspirations should be laid bare to anyone you intend to marry. If he or she can’t cope, just let go.
- If the person decides to leave you, be comforted that anyone who can’t accept your past does not deserve your future.
4. Lack of acceptance: Acceptance simply means falling in love with the personality of a person and loving the person’s totality (physical appearance, background, past, present, and future aspirations) and whatever he or she represents without reservations. Unconditional acceptance is a strong indication of unwavering commitment in a love relationship.
5. Lack of conviction: What keeps you going when the going gets tough is your conviction, which simply means the act of being persuaded about your decision. Embarking on a love relationship without conviction will eventually end in a breakup.
6. Lack of conflict management skills: Conflict in itself is not bad; it is a normal occurrence in every relationship, but the well-being of any relationship is dependent on the ability and level of maturity that both parties display in resolving their conflict. Conflict is simply the misunderstanding or misperception of ideas in a relationship.
The nature of conflict;
- It’s natural; conflict is bound to happen as people grow closer.
- It’s neutral; it is common to everyone, regardless of race.
- It could be resolvable or unresolvable; the outcome of a conflict is dependent on the management skills of the parties involved.
Conflicts that hinge on your nature as a person (skin color, height, family background, etc.) cannot be resolved.
7. Suspicion: Suspicion occurs when you begin to probe into the privacy of your spouse due to a lack of trust. Trust is one of the pillars a marital relationship should stand on. Once trust is broken, the stability of such a relationship might be difficult. When a spouse probes every moment and tracks your movement or every action, you might be choked by the excesses and tempted to break up.
8. Inadequate commitment: As we all know, relationships are not for children; hence, there are certain responsibilities attached to a relationship heading for marriage, and these demands can only be met by adults. Some things we give and share in a committed relationship are;
- Time: Individuals in a committed relationship make some time for each other to communicate. Communication is the lifeline of every relationship. Everyone makes time for what is important to them. If anyone constantly tells you he or she is too busy, it means you are considered important.
- Financial Resources: It is not about having so much but more about the willingness to share the little you have, giving it up for a greater good.
- Mental Resources: You and your partner should be able to reason issues out together and give wise counsel and ideas when needed. Complacency in a relationship predisposes it to break up.
9. Compatibility: The degree to which we agree is the degree to which we are compatible. Compatibility means having common essential factors that will make living together enjoyable.
Check out your compatibility in the following areas:
- Personality type
- Medical compatibility
- Spiritual compatibility
10. Unrealistic Expectations: Many go into relationships with unrealistic expectations, and this has been a major breaker of relationships over the years. The average lady has perfect pictures and descriptions of what a man should look like without giving consideration to the fact that some of these features might be in a potential state that will manifest with time. When you go into a relationship with the expectation that your intended spouse should be saddled with the responsibility of making you smile and laugh all the time, you are simply casting your burden on the wrong person. This will end in disappointment because the ability to meet those demands is not inherent in anyone.
11. Unforgiveness: When you enter a relationship with a heart that has not been healed, you are setting yourself up for another round of pain known as jilt. Unforgiveness keeps you in the past and ties you down at the scene of the event that broke your heart. This can be really bad because you will unconsciously take it out on your newfound love and make the person suffer for what he or she was not part of. Hence, take time to heal.
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HOW TO PREVENT JILT
Some things in life answer to prayers, while others answer to principles. God is principle-oriented, and He has set certain principles in place by which we thrive. Hence, there are principles that, when put into practice, can help safeguard your heart from being jilted and enhance bliss in your courtship.
1. Define Your Relationship: Undefined relationships are one of the fastest routes to jilt. Ladies, do not assume a man is in a marital relationship with you until he declares his intention to do so, and men should note that courtship does not start until you get the lady’s consent.
Caution: Do not go out with a man who tells you that he necessarily doesn’t need to label you as his fiancée publicly before you know that he loves you.
2. Be convinced: Conviction helps both parties fight for their relationship where and when necessary. Conviction does not prevent common marital challenges, but it supplies you with the strength and tenacity required to withstand them as they arise. The sentence “let’s see how it goes”, is a dangerous way to start a relationship. Be absolutely certain that your marital journey is with the right person.
3. Be accountable: One of the important factors that helps stabilize marital relationships is accountability to your partner, your mentor, and a common mentor for both of you. Let your spouse know everything about you; keeping secrets destroys relationships. You may not have the courage to tell the truth all at once, but find a way of letting it out.
4. Check for compatibility: Compatibility in a marital relationship refers to individuals having essential factors that may be common or uncommon to both parties but make living together enjoyable. Partners must be compatible in the following areas:
- Personality type
- Medical compatibility
- Spiritual compatibility
5. Set boundaries: It is important to determine what is and is not safe in a marital relationship. A boundary in a marital relationship is setting acceptable limits or defining what is normal.
One important boundary to be set is premarital sex. This is because the marital foundation stands on three pillars:
- God(The Author)
- Love (which is God)
- Trust (built by the communication skills of the parties)
Pre-marital sex works against the success of courtship by reducing the quality of communication and time spent together by the intending couples, which adversely affects their trust level. Intending couples should note that courtship has not started if it doesn’t have an expiration date from its inception. Courtship is a period of time set aside by mature males and females to have an understanding of themselves with marriage as their focus within a time frame. This has been discovered to help stabilize the parties involved psychologically and help them focus their energy on building their future home rather than spending such energy on sexual activities. It is important to set the expected wedding date from the inception of courtship; it is not desperation to do so.
6. Resolve conflicts: Conflict is the misinterpretation of ideas, values, or thoughts between two people or a group of people. It is important to keep in mind that not all conflicts are negative; some are positive in the sense that they enhance understanding among the intending couples, depending on the techniques employed in solving them.
It is advisable to pause, discuss, pray, and see a therapist(s) before heading to marriage if both parties have recognized a perpetual conflict. In addition, forgiveness is very important in conflict management and resolution. If you can’t forgive, don’t venture into a marital relationship.
7. Pray through: Praying through means praying until your joy is full. You need to maximally involve God in your marriage. Do not be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. The devil can try to cause delays in purpose fulfillment; hence, you need to involve God in the process.
Finally, sow seeds to any working relationship around you. Do not sow discord in others relationships. You can sow financially or in service.